Revamp my Brain

It's the end of October and our wedding social is quickly approaching. I can't believe that it is almost here. I am so nervous about it. I know everything will end up going really well but the anticipation of it is killing me! Previously I have spoken about my case of jealousy, I still have it but I'm trying to get around it. In the case of my bridesmaids I realized that I really shouldn't regret who I chose because in reality it is the right choice. It is much better to have family in the bridal party instead of friends because friends come and go but family is forever. If I would have chosen friends instead of family there is always the chance that those friendships might end down the line and then we would be stuck staring at wedding pictures with people we may not be friends with anymore. I know that that is a shallow way to look at things but it's true. Also with family there generally is a lot less drama(in most cases).

Even though I am so nervous about the social and everything that follows I know in my heart of hearts that everything will turn out perfectly. I hate waiting for all the wedding stuff to come. I really wish we would have chosen to have the wedding this year instead of next. Once the social is done the next thing to anticipate will be the shower, then the bachelorette party and then FINALLY the WEDDING!  I have a count down on my phone for the wedding! It can't come soon enough. I cannot wait to become Mrs.Zacharias! I cannot wait to marry the man I love! I cannot wait to see the results of our many, many months of planning!

Fall is finally here to stay!! No more warm weather!! The leaves are all turned and slowly falling from the trees. So far it's been a beautiful fall. The weather has been wonderful. We did have an unexpected thunder/lightning storm the other night which was mighty weird. It's so nice that I can curl up in cozy sweaters and fuzzy socks!! Just wonderful!!! 

It's time to enjoy Fall and put a positive spin on your thinking!

Enjoy this wonderful time of year! It's a season for change!

Heat Wave...In October?

As anyone who knows me knows, I LOVE fall! Well, this past week  Manitoba was hit with a heat wave. I figured that since it was October the hot weather was over and my favorite fall weather would be here to stay. Or at least here to stay until Manitoba freezes over. It was ridiculous! Temperatures reached over 30C! I was looking forward to cozy sweaters and bringing out my scarf collection but for the week I had to bring out my summer attire AGAIN. I guess it wasn't bad because everyone likes a heat wave when there really shouldn't be one. Well I think that we're back in Fall mode starting this weekend. According to the forecast the temperatures will be dropping(along with the leaves) and we'll be expecting some rain....I am so excited!!!! I'm such a weirdo to love cool temperatures and rain but I don't care!
October is here and that means Fall programming(TV) is in full force. There are so many great shows on this season. I've weened myself off of many of the reality shows I was addicted to such as Survivor, ANTM, Amazing Race, etc. and I have replaced that addiction with a comedy/drama addiction. My new fave shows include New Girl, 2 Broke Girls, Ringer and a few other wonderful shows. Of course there are my old favorites like Big Bang Theory, Parenthood and Mike & Molly but it's still nice to throw a few new shows in the mix.
Another awesome thing that October has brought is a new phone for me. Adam and I picked up an iPhone4 for me yesterday. My other cell phone didn't like me anymore and decided to be temperamental and some days it would work while other days the battery would die shortly after coming off of the charger. It also was looking a little sad as well. It was missing a button and the case that I had on it was dirty looking and cracked. My MTS contract was close to it's expiration date so we figured it was time to retire my Motorola Rocker. I love my new iPhone. It's white and has a case that looks like a monster. I've been having so much fun installing Apps and playing games on it. You can't be board with an iPhone in your hand.
As well as cooler weather, this weekend brings Thanksgiving. Monday we'll celebrate this wonderful holiday with a family dinner at my dad and step mom's. Thanksgiving is such a great holiday. It's so wonderful to spend time with family and friends. What are you thankful for? I am truly thankful for the life I live. I have a wonderful family and wonderful fiance and wonderful family to be. I'm thankful that we live in a country that is free of war. As Canadians we are truly blessed to live in such a great country.
Enjoy this beautiful weather and your Thanksgiving weekend. Don't forget to think about what you are thankful for. And on a side note Christmas is only 79 sleeps away...according to an app on my iPhone. LOL. I am thankful for all of you that read this, if there are any of you out there that do. Happy Thanksgiving!! xoxo

Crisp

Fall is finally here or at least I think it is. After a long hot summer the weather has began to cool and the leaves have begun to change color. This is my favorite time of year! These cooler temperatures are such a nice break from the crazy heat we've experienced this summer. It's nice to be able to snuggle up in a cozy sweater and to wear jeans and not melt. This past Friday I went Geocaching with my buddy Ross. It was so wonderful because we weren't dying of heat and we weren't freezing. It was the perfect temperature. During the winter we had gone caching and on that particular day it was absolutely freezing and a good majority of the caches we searched for were under waist deep heights of snow....it was quite the adventure. But this last caching trip was great. We found loads of caches and found so many interesting things. I love geocaching because it's such a learning experience. It takes you to places you may have never been before, to places you never knew existed. Also many caches will bring you to historical sites where you learn something about that particular area or some historically significant person. Caching gives you both physical and mental exercise! It's awesome!! When we were caching on Friday we even ran in to 3 fellow cachers. I felt like such a nerd afterwards because when we introduced ourselves we introduced ourselves as our caching names not our real names and we also had talks about the weather and how there were few "muggles" around which means few non-geocachers. It was quite the day!

Fall also brings out the fall smells and flavors. It's one of my favorite parts of this time of year. I've been baking a lot with pumpkin! I love the mixture of pumpkin with the amazing spices that usually are mixed with it. The smells of cinnamon fill the house when one of my pumpkin creations are in the oven. It's such a relaxing fragrance! The other fall ingredient I have been using is apples. I recently made homemade applesauce. I had some apples sitting in the fridge that were most likely going to go to waste so I looked up an applesauce recipe online and was able to find a super simple recipe. It was:

4 apples peeled, cored and chopped

1/4 cup sugar

3/4 cup water

1/2 tsp cinnamon

Mix all the ingredients together in a saucepan and cook on medium heat until apples are soft. Once soft let them cool and then mash up with a potato masher. (I was lazy and have a crappy potato masher so I through the mixture into my Magic Bullet and mashed them up that way).

The recipe only yielded about a cup or so of applesauce but it was absolutely delicious!! I highly suggest making some if you are an applesauce fan like myself. Now that the weather is cooling, I've been baking so much more. I have many plans of what I want to bake. Today I'm going to make some mini banana loaves because I have some bananas that are rather brown sitting on the counter right now. The current issue of Rachael Ray's magazine is full of so many fall cooking/baking inspirations. I am most looking forward to making severed finger cookies!! The sound disgusting but look amazing and fun. From the recipe I believe the cookie will have a shortbread taste to it. You roll it into a finger shape. Cut in some knuckle lines and add a slivered almond as a finger nail. After the cookies are baked you dip the "severed" end into raspberry jam that has been reduced on a saucepan. They are going to be AWESOME!!! Can't wait to make them.

Enjoy the crisp weather and I encourage you to experiment with the flavors of fall!! :)

Ugh Jealousy....

Jealousy is a truly useless feeling but I seem to experience it fairly frequently. I know I shouldn't yearn for what I don't have but sometimes I just can't help it. My main jealousy that I have been experiencing is coming from wedding related events. My friend Candace recently got engaged. I am so happy for her because her and Curtis have been together longer than Adam and I. She had such an extravagant engagement. Curtis sent her on a scavenger throughout the city and the clue eventually led to him, in a suit, in the Leo Mol Sculpture garden; which let's face it, it's one of the most romantic spots in Winnipeg. I'm not saying that I wish my engagement was full of extravagance and glitter but I really do wish that Adam would have at least ask the question instead of just assuming that I would say yes. Candace isn't getting married until 2013 but she has started planning sort of. When I was at her place yesterday we were talking about our weddings. She knows what she wants and I have no doubt that she'll get what she wants. She was also telling me about Laura's(Curtis's sister) wedding. By the sounds of things Laura's wedding sounded absolutely gorgeous and from what Candace has said so will hers. I know my wedding will be nice but after talking to her I worry that because I have spent so much time focusing on saving money that we're going to lose the beauty. I know that my wedding won't be my dream wedding because if I had my dream wedding we would probably be in debt for the rest of our lives but what I have planned really is what I want. It may not be my dream but it's number 2 on the list. I guess this is just one of the things that happens when you are planning a wedding and so are others around you. Maybe that's why Kaitlyn and I came to blows(but that event was bound to happen sooner or later, wedding or not). Maybe what I'm experiencing isn't jealousy but "I wish" syndrome, which pretty much is a disguising way to say jealousy. I wish I could do everything I've always wanted but truth be told I don't want to start our marriage in debt. The way things are going right now we are going to be more out of debt by the time we get married because in May Adam's car payments will be done and 2 weeks after the wedding my car payments will be done. If we can get Adam's credit card and loan paid off then the only debt we'll have is the house but that's not really debt it's just a mortgage and pretty much everyone has one of those unless you're a)rich, b)old and have been living in your house since you were the only one on the block or c) you live in an apartment. 

The other thing that is getting to me is a slight pang of regret. I wish that when we got engaged I would have put more thoughts into who I chose as member of the bridal party. I came to the realization that you don't choose a maid of honor that is planning a wedding too...nothing good can come of that and as we've seen that's exactly what happened. On the bright side, I did end up with a much, much, much better maid of honor in my cousin Lisa. As for my other bridesmaids, I sometimes wish I would have chosen friends over Adam's sisters. With Amanda living in BC, she doesn't get to take part in the preparations and we lose a helping hand in getting ready for wedding related events ie) social, shower, bachlorette, etc. Hopefully we'll be able to get her out here for the shower at least. Sarah on the other hand lives here but she is 17 turning 18 and let's face it, she is going through a teenage, beginning university and is not any help. I love them both but I wish both of them could/would participate in the planning/prep. I just hope everything turns out the way I have planned it.

The other slight pang of jealousy that I have experienced comes from the fact that Curtis wants to take part in the planning of their wedding while Adam I practically have to pull teeth to get an opinion. He says that I don't want his opinion and that is why he doesn't give me one. But still he is the groom and this is his wedding too so he should be giving his insight. 

Everything will turn out and I know it but as for right now I just need to take a step back, breathe and realize that my wedding may not be extravagant but it will be perfect in its own way. I wish there was a cootie shot for jealousy...

Awful Blogger Right Here!

It's crazy to see that I haven't posted a new blog in over a year and a half! So much has changed in these last 19 months. So many journeys taken. In reference to my last blog post; I did leave BOMImed but ended up being unemployed for 3 months. During those 3 months I spent a lot of time moping around the house or baking. The guys from Adam's work loved the fact that I was baking so much because I would send most of the treats to work with him. In an attempt to find something to do I began my own cookie business. Still that wasn't much money and after 3 months of going crazy, 3 visits to a counselor, and 1 boyfriend sick of me moping, I decided to get a job. I ended up getting a part time job at Madison Lane Boutique in Lockport. Mid way through I started getting bored once again and picked up a 2nd job at the Walmart Portrait Studio. So last summer I worked my butt off and enjoyed it for the most part. At the end of September I quit the Boutique temporarily and focused on working at the Studio. Last Christmas was full of wonderful surprises! After almost 5 years of being together Adam finally proposed! I was so shocked and thrilled and couldn't believe it finally happened!! The ring box was wrapped and hidden in the toe of my stocking! After the ring was on my finger I proceeded to text everyone on my contact list at 11:30 at night! Come January things at the studio started petering out. The Christmas rush was over and the boredom sunk in. In January Adam and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary and I also celebrated my 24th birthday. In March I decided to drop down to casual at the studio and head back to the Boutique. This year I have spent most of my time working and planning our July 2012 wedding. The wedding is for the most part completely planned already. I even have my dress and shoes! A few weeks ago everyone at the portrait studio decided to quit and knowing that I knew that eventually I was going to get the dreaded call asking me to work. Of course the call came from the district manager and I knew then that I did not want to return to the studio. Another job bites the dust. Now the summer is coming to it's inevitable end and the sweet smells of fall are beginning to waft through the windows. The boutique will stay open until at least November 30th and if the weather is nice we'll stay open until December 15th. I'm not sure yet what I will do in the 2.5-3 month period that the store is closed but I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll become a Starbucks barrista. Currently I have been busy preparing for our November 19th social. Sounds like it's going to be a good night full of wonderful people, great music and an insane silent auction!!

Another change that has happened in the last 5 months, is one of my closest relationships ended. Kaitlyn who I had been friends with for 10 years is no longer in my life or at least hasn't been in the last 5 months. The friendship almost ended in 2010 though when she had her baby. I had said a comment that was supposed to be humorous/ironic/whatever and she took it the wrong way which led to a verbal written bashing from her sister and then another written verbal bashing from herself. After not even 3 months of no contact from my side anyways I finally gave in and decided that it was time to pick up the pieces of our relationship. It mainly was because her grandmother had passed away and I knew what she had meant to Kaitlyn and in my gut I knew I had to be there for her. After a good 6 and a half months of friendship our relationship turned sour. March 2011, we were both engaged, both each others maid of honor and both making plans for the future. I had my wedding date chosen so did she. Then out of the blue she changes her date to 4 weeks before mine. If I wasn't her maid of honor that would have been no big deal at all but I was and that did change things. After a week of upset and not talking to her I finally sent her a message explaining that I couldn't be her maid of honor. It was nothing mean or hurtful or vindictive or anything but she didn't speak to me for a week and after 10 years of friendship  I knew that that meant she was angry. I then proceeded to send her a message asking her if she was still going to be my maid of honor or not. And boy did I get a screenful back! She had turned all my words around. Pictured me as the bad guy. Pointed things out that were totally unrelated to the topic at hand and really, plainly tried to make me feel like shit. That message right there is what ended it all. I sent her a message back saying I was done and that we were no longer each others maid of honors. I was vague in the message about what I was done with but I think the point got across that I was done with the situation and I was done with her. It's unfortunate really but I looked back over the 10 years and realized the amount of fight we had, the amounts of pointless arguments and the amount of times that I was in the wrong in her eyes. Over the last 10 years every time we had any sort of tiff it was my job to pick up the pieces and put our relationship back together. It was my job to watch every little thing I said so it wouldn't be taken wrongly and cause a fight with us. I can't count the number of times I apologized and groveled about something that I didn't necessarily do. It took 10 years for me to take the wool off my eyes and stand up for myself. I do miss Kaitlyn but I do not miss the drama that comes with her.

It's amazing to see what happens in 19 months. Well this terrible blogger is going to sign off for now and hopefully I can get on here more frequently to post updates/rants/thoughts. Life is a journey not a destination! :)

A New Year, a New Start....

When the New Year rolls around, people tend to say it's a new start. It's January 4th and I have yet to feel my new start. I am still drowning in the black hole I finished 2009 with. I am losing myself to 2009. I am not one to make New Year's resolutions but I think this year I may have to. So this year I will rid myself of the negative in my life; starting with this job!! Now that the holidays are done I am hoping that I will get calls for job interviews and that more jobs will pop up on the radar. By the end of January I want to be moving on to new things away from the dark cave I have come to know as BOMImed. Even if I don't have another job lined up I believe it's time to get away from here. While job searching I am wanting to dive into my painting a little bit(and try to sell it online) and do some volunteer work with the elderly, as previously mentioned. Today was going to be the day I was going to hand in my resignation but I am thinking I may wait until January 15th the latest so I at least have a little more money if the unfortunate task of unemployment comes into play. I'm hoping it doesn't come down to unemployment because I am not looking forward to being a disappointment to so many people in my life. I had vowed to myself that I would never leave a job without having another lined up but it has gotten to the point where I look and feel miserable for a majority of the time. This is not my life! So it's time for a change!
I honestly don't know why my blog has become such a repeated account of my "tragic" life. I hate that all I can do is complain. Where has the thrill and adventure gone in my life? How in the world did I manage to push that sunny, positive attitude that I had adopted over the summer away?
Let's find some positivity. Christmas was good for me. I was sickish for part of it but that's normal; every year without fail there is always something wrong with me. Unfortunately this year Adam had to work Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I must say it was weird not having him with me for Christmas after these 4 years of him being around. I was spoiled with gifts this year. The tie for best gift is between the Wii that Adam got me and the insane baking basket that Adam's Mom put together for me. I spent the holidays with family and when at home I was on my Wii for the majority! We decided that we would have a laid back New Years Eve. We bought cheap movies and just spent some time relaxing while eating a large amount of unhealthy foods. Having the 5 days off at Christmas and the 3.5 days off for New Years was wonderful. It gave me a chance to actually feel like me for a little bit; which was quite the blessing. I am so jealous of my mom who will be spending next week in the sun in Mexico; what I wouldn't give to trade her places. In 10 days it will be 4 years that I have been with my Adam and it has truly been a wonderful 4 years. To celebrate I shall donate blood. not really but that happens to be the day that the blood donor clinic is in town and last time they wouldn't let me donate because my pulse was pulsing too much. Adam works a day shift that day so if all goes well I will be home by the time my honey gets back from work. I am anxiously planning for my quickly approaching 22nd birthday. 24 days!! I am psyched! This year it's going to be games night! We will be playing Wii and of course the "old fashioned" type of games...finding sticks and stones in the woods...just kidding; we will play board games!

Paper Thin

I've been in this place before...I still cannot find a job out there for me. Still at BOMImed and let's face it, it has cut me off at the knees...not literally of course. I am still "sticking it out" unfortunately and I really don't know how much longer I will be able to do so. This job has taken me to an ugly place. I don't want to wake up in the morning, my emotions have no control over themselves and really I'm purely miserable! I have been stretched paper thin and feel like I will tear any day now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few months and it is creating havoc in my life. Last week I was pulled into my supervisors office; the door was closed for this conversation...never a good sign. It turns out that someone who I work with is a total rat and told one of the bosses that I am always on Facebook during work hours and I have been "venting" about my job on my page. First off..there was no venting on my Facebook. There was one little comment that was a reply to someones comment that eluded to the fact that I am not happy and debating whether or not to leave. But of course all of this was blown out of proportion which resulted in the little sit down. All who know me know that I crumble at the slight sight of confrontation. So yes, I broke down in her office and told her that I am looking for new employment because this is not the place for me. Twenty minutes of crying in her office later, she says she'll keep it on the down-low that I want to leave. The next day comes and she pulls me aside again to tell me to make sure I do not mention to anyone that I am planning on leaving because if the "Big Boss" finds out that I am looking for a new job she'll be in shit and I will be fired...promising eh? Prior to these happenings I have also been pulled aside to tell me not to talk to the receptionist and I have also found out that other people have been told not to talk to me. What a warm atmosphere? From the stress of my not liking my job and not being able to find a new one I have changed into a different person. If I don't hear someone correctly there is the possibility that I will break out in tears, I am tired all the time which sometimes results in me falling asleep on the couch before 9pm, and I truly have no ambition to do anything. I am stress eating and not treating people the way that they should be treated. I've become distant and it's not just hurting me, it's hurting everyone around me. I need to get out of this job before it eats me whole. The first day back after New Year's I will most likely be handing in my resignation, even if it means being unemployed for a short time. If it does come down to being unemployed I have decided that while job searching I will fill my time with volunteer work. I want to "adopt-a-grandparent" so to speak. It's been over a year since I lost my grandparents and I truly miss their companionship. I know that there are many elderly people living in seniors homes or hospitals that never have anyone come visit them and I want to be able to bring joy to someone. It would be wonderful to go visit them, read to them and play games with them...plus it gives me an excuse to whip out my dominoes set!! Even though volunteer work would be a nice change of pace I still need to keep my job search face on. It's going to be weird and scary to leave a job without another one lined up but I need to do this for myself. I cannot stay at a job where my mental health is deteriorating by the minute. I need to buck up and start looking forward to things again. This week has 3 work days left, next week only has 3 and the week after only has 2.5 days. Christmas is only 9 days away. My 4 year anniversary with Adam is only 31 days away and my birthday is only 45 days away. So there are things to look forward to. I need to relish in those things because otherwise I will just keep plummeting with no escape. Ah yes, work you either live or die with or without it.