A New Year, a New Start....

When the New Year rolls around, people tend to say it's a new start. It's January 4th and I have yet to feel my new start. I am still drowning in the black hole I finished 2009 with. I am losing myself to 2009. I am not one to make New Year's resolutions but I think this year I may have to. So this year I will rid myself of the negative in my life; starting with this job!! Now that the holidays are done I am hoping that I will get calls for job interviews and that more jobs will pop up on the radar. By the end of January I want to be moving on to new things away from the dark cave I have come to know as BOMImed. Even if I don't have another job lined up I believe it's time to get away from here. While job searching I am wanting to dive into my painting a little bit(and try to sell it online) and do some volunteer work with the elderly, as previously mentioned. Today was going to be the day I was going to hand in my resignation but I am thinking I may wait until January 15th the latest so I at least have a little more money if the unfortunate task of unemployment comes into play. I'm hoping it doesn't come down to unemployment because I am not looking forward to being a disappointment to so many people in my life. I had vowed to myself that I would never leave a job without having another lined up but it has gotten to the point where I look and feel miserable for a majority of the time. This is not my life! So it's time for a change!
I honestly don't know why my blog has become such a repeated account of my "tragic" life. I hate that all I can do is complain. Where has the thrill and adventure gone in my life? How in the world did I manage to push that sunny, positive attitude that I had adopted over the summer away?
Let's find some positivity. Christmas was good for me. I was sickish for part of it but that's normal; every year without fail there is always something wrong with me. Unfortunately this year Adam had to work Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I must say it was weird not having him with me for Christmas after these 4 years of him being around. I was spoiled with gifts this year. The tie for best gift is between the Wii that Adam got me and the insane baking basket that Adam's Mom put together for me. I spent the holidays with family and when at home I was on my Wii for the majority! We decided that we would have a laid back New Years Eve. We bought cheap movies and just spent some time relaxing while eating a large amount of unhealthy foods. Having the 5 days off at Christmas and the 3.5 days off for New Years was wonderful. It gave me a chance to actually feel like me for a little bit; which was quite the blessing. I am so jealous of my mom who will be spending next week in the sun in Mexico; what I wouldn't give to trade her places. In 10 days it will be 4 years that I have been with my Adam and it has truly been a wonderful 4 years. To celebrate I shall donate blood. not really but that happens to be the day that the blood donor clinic is in town and last time they wouldn't let me donate because my pulse was pulsing too much. Adam works a day shift that day so if all goes well I will be home by the time my honey gets back from work. I am anxiously planning for my quickly approaching 22nd birthday. 24 days!! I am psyched! This year it's going to be games night! We will be playing Wii and of course the "old fashioned" type of games...finding sticks and stones in the woods...just kidding; we will play board games!

Paper Thin

I've been in this place before...I still cannot find a job out there for me. Still at BOMImed and let's face it, it has cut me off at the knees...not literally of course. I am still "sticking it out" unfortunately and I really don't know how much longer I will be able to do so. This job has taken me to an ugly place. I don't want to wake up in the morning, my emotions have no control over themselves and really I'm purely miserable! I have been stretched paper thin and feel like I will tear any day now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few months and it is creating havoc in my life. Last week I was pulled into my supervisors office; the door was closed for this conversation...never a good sign. It turns out that someone who I work with is a total rat and told one of the bosses that I am always on Facebook during work hours and I have been "venting" about my job on my page. First off..there was no venting on my Facebook. There was one little comment that was a reply to someones comment that eluded to the fact that I am not happy and debating whether or not to leave. But of course all of this was blown out of proportion which resulted in the little sit down. All who know me know that I crumble at the slight sight of confrontation. So yes, I broke down in her office and told her that I am looking for new employment because this is not the place for me. Twenty minutes of crying in her office later, she says she'll keep it on the down-low that I want to leave. The next day comes and she pulls me aside again to tell me to make sure I do not mention to anyone that I am planning on leaving because if the "Big Boss" finds out that I am looking for a new job she'll be in shit and I will be fired...promising eh? Prior to these happenings I have also been pulled aside to tell me not to talk to the receptionist and I have also found out that other people have been told not to talk to me. What a warm atmosphere? From the stress of my not liking my job and not being able to find a new one I have changed into a different person. If I don't hear someone correctly there is the possibility that I will break out in tears, I am tired all the time which sometimes results in me falling asleep on the couch before 9pm, and I truly have no ambition to do anything. I am stress eating and not treating people the way that they should be treated. I've become distant and it's not just hurting me, it's hurting everyone around me. I need to get out of this job before it eats me whole. The first day back after New Year's I will most likely be handing in my resignation, even if it means being unemployed for a short time. If it does come down to being unemployed I have decided that while job searching I will fill my time with volunteer work. I want to "adopt-a-grandparent" so to speak. It's been over a year since I lost my grandparents and I truly miss their companionship. I know that there are many elderly people living in seniors homes or hospitals that never have anyone come visit them and I want to be able to bring joy to someone. It would be wonderful to go visit them, read to them and play games with them...plus it gives me an excuse to whip out my dominoes set!! Even though volunteer work would be a nice change of pace I still need to keep my job search face on. It's going to be weird and scary to leave a job without another one lined up but I need to do this for myself. I cannot stay at a job where my mental health is deteriorating by the minute. I need to buck up and start looking forward to things again. This week has 3 work days left, next week only has 3 and the week after only has 2.5 days. Christmas is only 9 days away. My 4 year anniversary with Adam is only 31 days away and my birthday is only 45 days away. So there are things to look forward to. I need to relish in those things because otherwise I will just keep plummeting with no escape. Ah yes, work you either live or die with or without it.

No Snow for Christmas

This has been a weird year in more ways the one. Thinking back over these last 11 months, I have realized that this has been the year where I've tried to reinvent myself. I've searched my soul and tried to answer questions while creating new ones. The main topics I have dived into are relationships, religion, employment and where in the world am I going with my life.



Relationships: I have many relationships in my life. There are friends, family, boyfriend, and of course the many acquaintances. When it comes to friends, I don't really have many true blue love you forever friends. From school I have only been left with around three people who I still consider good friends. Since high school I have developed friendships but it's hard. You either have to meet people through people(which sometimes you feel like you are stealing their friends), meet people at church(which I will dive into more in the religion section of this blog) or meet people at work(which the friendships sometime end when you leave that job). As for certain friendships I know that I have been truly blessed to have a few individuals in my life. I am blessed to have my best friend Kaitlyn in my life. Next Fall marks TEN years of being best friends. It's crazy to think it's been that long. She has stuck with me through thick and thin. I can talk to her about anything and am very grateful to have such a great friend. I am also blessed to have Kristen. We battled through so many things together; we don't call ourselves the River's Edge rebels for nothing! Our adventures are stacking up and it's wonderful to have someone like that in my life. Family relationships come in many shapes in forms. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Being a child of divorce the size of my family has grown to be rather large. I have a wonderful relationship with my Mom. She has been my rock throughout my life. She has always been encouraging and there for me. Don't get me wrong she was a disciplinarian and I never got away with anything but she has taken care me to the highest extent. When it comes to my relationship with my brother things have been good, bad AND ugly. My Dad things have been disappointing. You watch TV and see everyone with their amazing father-daughter relationships. I've never really had much of that with my Dad. When I was younger and spent the weekends at my dad's place he would spend most of the weekend in his carpentry shop. When he married my step mom he spent the weekend watching sports on TV or should I say falling asleep to sports on the TV. I only have a few things in common with my dad. We go to Goldeyes games, to the drag races, car shows and we also like some of the same music(oldies of course). There has never been much to talk to my Dad about. In the last few years my father has become very disapproving of the way I live my life. Some days it seems like in his eyes all I am is one big fat sinner. I dream of having one of those TV worthy father-daughter relationships but I have doubts that that time will ever come. My step mother is also on the same train as my Dad when it comes to thinking that I am a big fat sinner. Sometimes I believe that she's the one who has influenced my Dad's thinking on that topic. When it comes to my relationship with my Dad and step mom you can sum it up in one word...fake! My step siblings and extended family(step and real) I get along with great but rarely see any of them with the exception of holidays. On my Dad's side of the family there is a lot of judgement about how I live but at least they have the decency to keep it to themselves. I have a wonderful boyfriend; we've been together for almost 4 years. It's crazy to think that someone has stuck with me for this long. We have a wonderful relationship. We've bought a house, have pets and have learned each other's quirky ways. With all of these different relationships I am determined to develop deeper bonds or make deep bonds stronger. Relationships are so important and even if you sever a tie that relationship is not over it's just changed.



Religion: To many people religion is a taboo subject, cause for discussion or something graciously shared. It has been a weird part to my life. Over this last year I have dug deep and started asking questions. I think question asking has come with the judgements I have received. Between my father and the church I apparently do everything wrong. My Dad and step Mom believe that Adam and I are living in sin because we're not married and that I am not going anywhere with my life because I'm not following God's rules. I stopped going to church last Spring because I was sick of people judging me for my living situation. It's no wonder so many people run from religion when so many people judge you to your core instead of accepting you for who you are. I still have a relationship with God but I also have a lot of questions and realizations. From talking with friends we have discovered many things. If you look at the different religions of the world you will realize that all religions are based around one major figurehead. In my mind every religion is basically the same, it's just executed differently. Another major question has to do with the accuracy of the Bible. The Bible has been translated so many times that how would we know what we are reading is correct. Just this past Monday I noticed the differences between versions. I decided to go to my Life group(from church) that I had also stopped attending last spring and while doing our session we had read a passage from the Bible and every one's Bible seemed to have the passage worded differently. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal but the words used in the different versions made you look at the passage differently each time. Which one do you believe? I embrace Christianity but I still have the right to question it, don't I?

Employment: As an adult we for the most part need to be employed but it's such a cause for stress. I won't go into this section as much since I already have pretty much exhausted it in my past blogs. But here's the update on my situation. Still at BOMImed, still hating it, still sticking it out. I'm looking hard to find something better but am not finding much. I'm giving it to New Years. If I find nothing by then, there's a good chance I may negotiate my way back into WalMart(not the Photo Lab of course).

Where am I going with my life? The answer is I really don't know. I have turned a different leaf by embracing stuff and becoming a more positive, outgoing person but I still don't know what there is to do.

Other oddities of this year: The weather has been a main oddity for this year. Our summer was mainly rainy with punches of hot days and then the somber cool days. This Fall has been abnormally warm. It's freakin' November and there's not a single lick of snow on the ground.

Other things to note: The death toll for family and friends has been way down from last year; thank goodness! I must say that two funerals is way better than the 4plus that I went to last year. Still missing my grandparents though.
I minorly picked up sports. Played softball; sort of. I don't think my team liked me much though; most likely because I sucked. But that's there fault for not holding practices.

Next year is only six weeks away. I think I still have more discovering to do this year and am excited to see what 2010 brings. I don't even know if this blog really made sense but that's OK because at least I wrote it. And it only really has to make sense to me. If it makes sense to you that's just a bonus.

Still hoping for snow. Hopefully Santa doesn't get lost if we have no snow for Christmas. Word of advice: Don't leave your Christmas shopping to the last minute; just because there's no snow doesn't mean there will be no Christmas.

Biting My Own Tongue

As I read my previous positivity boasting notes I start think to myself, "Why am I not listening to what I have said?". Job searching is taking its toll on me big time. As hard as I try to push the stress aside, it's been poking it's nasty little head through the curtain. The stress of sitting around doing nothing everyday and the disappointment of not finding decent job openings is really getting to me. These last few days have felt like such downers for me. I really need to pick myself up again before all the pieces are spilled on the floor. I need to escape this job so I can keep my sanity! Why should my friends and family have to deal with my constant griping about a job I hate? But right now that is the main topic of my life...When did my life become centered around work? If I am going to be stuck at this job I need a solution!! I think the solution will be Christmas. I know that right now you're thinking to yourself that Christmas is 2 months away. Well I am the over planner of the century and I will focus on planning for Christmas. There are Christmas gifts to buy, Christmas cards to buy and write, Christmas gifts to make, parties to plan, cookies to bake and so much more. Maybe if I put my energy into Christmas all the other junk will seem insignificant. Plus only a few more weeks until I can deem it not too early to start decorating!! Yay!!
In other news I am thinking of taking an on the side job of clowning. It will probably be difficult at first because you have to decide what type of clown you want to be and how to set a small business type thing around it but I think I can make it work. With my love for acting and being silly I think that clowning will come naturally to me and if not then I am no worse for wear. I think that it would be a super fun way to make a little extra cash on the side.
OK so I am boring today. I thought that I would have more to say but apparently I really, really don't. My hope for the next few days is SNOW. Keep thinking snowy thoughts, it would be a wonderful pick me up!!

Not in High Demand

Today I feel that I am not in high demand. As I think over my job history I realize that many of my jobs have been given to me because I have either known someone or I was at the end of my rope and applied for a job I really did not want. Let's look at the history:
Safeway: Mom's friend introduced me to manager when I brought in my application; didn't really want to work there but it was something that was relatively not crappy for a first job.
CHVN: Was recommended by one of my instructors; loved the job for the most part though.
Archway: Last resort; hence why I didn't even last a week
Wal-Mart: Last resort; hadn't had a job in like 2 months and needed something so I settled for the Photo Lab...liked it for the most part but ran into frequent issues with my dislike for the way the management in the store was
Selkirk Florist: Knew the person who was quitting and she suggested me for the job. I enjoyed floral but there was way too much down time.
South Beach Casino: Last resort; needed to be doing something but apparently I hate waitressing..or at least I hated it there.
MTS Connect: Last resort; needed a job so dropped off resume on a whim...loved the girls but the job itself was a bit of a waste and then also the new owner freaked me out.
BOMImed: Mom knew my now manager; thought the job would be great but now I feel as if I am going brain dead just by working here.
Out of all the jobs I have had so far CHVN was pretty much the only one that I really wanted and enjoyed.
The other weird thing is going to an interview. When I go to interviews I tend to get vibes about whether or not the interview has gone well or not. For the jobs that I have actually been hired for there were generally good vibes. There has also been many, many, many jobs that I have gone to interviews for and left with a good vibe and then have been shot down horribly. Worst thing ever by the way. Example: had an interview at U Weight Loss Clinic...job sounded great and the interview went very well. Was called for a second interview which also went well...a few days later received an email stating that I was not a "successful candidate at this time". I have had so many of these great interviews that these people just don't want to hire me for. I think I am an excellent interviewee but maybe I'm just being too sure of myself. When it comes to the dreaded job search I can be way to picky; as Adam puts it "I just don't like to work". That statement is not true even though sometimes I think it is. When I look at jobs I am looking at description, wage, hours and location, which everyone looks at but it seems if one thing doesn't quite fit I pass over it. You get to the point where you're not sure what exactly you even want anymore. While job searching online today I came across a position to be one of Santa's helpers in a mall. I would LOVE to do the job and think I would be quite good at it. The hold off on applying right now is the fact that I would only be employed for 2 months and then come Christmas Day I will have nothing. Do I really want to be in that place again? Right now I am thinking that I would be fit for retail but the thing is, is that a step back? Or if I did get into retail I could start at the bottom and work my way up; make it a career. That would be smart and I have the brains to do it; I just need to get out of these jobs that I never have a chance to use my brain on a regular basis. Retail would probably be a good choice for me because it doesn't fall into any of the categories that I deem undesirable in a job. I am picky towards many jobs.
Bars: Would love to mix drinks but wouldn't be able to handle drunks
Waitressing: Great service skills but hate cleaning up after people and have a hard time dealing with people getting angry with me..and drunks
Call Centre: Can't handle people yelling at me, have a hard time with accents and get a headache from wearing a headset
Old People: Love old people but can't deal with cleaning up after their bodily functions
Kids: Love kids but only when they behave for at least the most part; also don't like cleaning up after bodily functions of theirs
Cleaning and driving for a job are also out of the picture.
Management: I think I would be awesome at it; just need to work on toughening myself up a bit.
There are also the jobs that I want to do but would only make pennies at which would be fine if I didn't have to drive distances to get to them. Example: broadcasting or acting jobs.
So I guess I am picky..very picky apparently. So maybe I should just try to get onto a reality show and make a large quantity of money. Big Brother here I come...but do they let Canadians in?
Hopefully one of these days I will be in high demand and no one will think twice about hiring me. For now I will just spread the word and hope my friends will keep there eyes and ears open for employment that will suit Morgan. I want to use my brain everyone so keep your career radar antennas up!! I need all the help I can get!!
Also we're crossing or fingers for some snow....all of the little bit of snow that we had melted and I need another pick me up. Enjoy a hot cup of cocoa by a warm fire, maybe that will encourage the snow to come(no fire, just use a warm blanket).

Let's Get Down & Chilly!!-Wasting the Day Away

Do you ever feel like you're doing nothing with yourself and like you could be doing something much better? That's how I feel right now when I am at work. My job has become a game to me, "How to waste the day away and not get caught". It's not the most fun game in the world but it is what it is. I sit at a desk Monday to Friday with literally nothing at all to do. When I first came into this job it was everything I had hoped for but rather quickly turned into my worst nightmare...nothing! If you combine my entire weeks work you will realize that when put together my tasks equal one day(sometimes not even that) of a normal persons job tasks. I end up spending my days on the Internet blogging, Facebooking, or random Google searching or texting my friends. Since I am not supposed to be doing either I have to make sure I keep my phone under my desk and that I minimize my screen every time I hear approaching footsteps. I even have gone as far as learning every one's footfalls so I know who is approaching and if I need to close my screen rather than minimize. Don't get me wrong, I have tried to create actual work tasks for myself but I have done so much that there is nothing left for me to do. I ask my boss if there is anything that needs to be done and she usually says no or hands me two pieces of paper that need to be filed. This isn't a job, it's a waste of time. I need to be doing something. I miss working with customers and interacting with other employees that actually want to interact with you. Therefore I am on the job hunt again. I hate being on the job hunt but I am so sick of these nothing jobs where I sit on my butt day after day. Tonight the first official stop on my hunt will be U Weight Loss Centre. I submitted an application this past Friday and was called for an interview Saturday. We shall see how the interview goes this evening. I am predicting good things and have my list of questions prepared to make sure I get as much knowledge of the job as possible. I see many pro's to this job and hoping that I do not see any con's. If I do manage to get this job I will feel bad leaving my current one. I think my boss may have gone out on a limb for me because she knows my Mom. There even are a few people that I will miss seeing everyday but I need to do what's best for me and right now BOMImed is certainly not best for me. I am keeping my chin up because I know that there is a job out there that is just waiting for me!
A chilly but fabulous long weekend just past. I truly wish that it could have been longer. I am completely worn out but I think that just shows that I took the long weekend and ran with it!! The weekend began before the week was even complete. Thursday night we had friends over for pizza and beer! This was the beginning of the late nights. Thursday was great though because I met one of Adam's friends girlfriend Jamie and I believe we have a good friendship in our future. Friday night I headed over to Jamie's place to hang out. It was a rather eventful evening but unfortunately I was feeling a tad under the weather which prevented me from having as much fun as I could have! As they continued to another party I wandered on home in the slightly chilly snowy night. Saturday morning brought a cookie explosion! My great pal Kristen came over to escape the hurricane that occurred in her apartment and we baked over four dozen sugar cookies. They were Halloween themed and we even decorated them!! It was an excellent morning of baking and girl talk. Saturday evening brought a birthday meal for our pal Les at Tony Roma's. The company was superb but the meal was a disappointment. I ordered a basic chicken fingers and fries..they were horrible; way over salted. Adam had steak and it was flavourless. The food cost a good chunk and it was not worth it at all. And then there was Sunday. It was a nice laid back kind of day. I picked up the groceries and then came home and just relaxed. Our first Thanksgiving meal of the weekend was that evening! We headed over to Adam's parents to enjoy a delicious turkey dinner!! Monday had it's ups and downs. We headed to my Dad's place for lunch where we enjoyed a wonderful meal and then Adam and I cleaned my junk out of my old bedroom there. I found my Eeyore Jammie's!!! Once we got home we were greeted with the pleasant surprise of a furnace that crapped out. But at least it didn't happen in the dead of winter, right? Later yesterday night my bestest bud in the entire world , Kaitlyn came over with her father the "Jack of all Trades". Daddio Pankiw may be an electrician by day but he's superman by night. He was able to diagnose what was wrong and is coming tonight to fix it at a cheaper rate than any furnace man would charge us. I love that man!!! It was mildly chilly in the house last night with no furnace but at least we had our little radiator and down filled comforter from our chilly days spent in the summer kitchen last year!
It's a short work week due to Thanksgiving and I am predicting a promising week. With the way things are looking up all might be well very soon. I have the possibility of a new job to look forward to, visiting with good friends and the execution of my hair; I'm chopping it off...all off. Well not all but it's getting short I promise you that!!
Today was brought to you by the letter "P"...Keep warm and experience things!!

Embracing Something: Letting the cards fall and making things positive

Lately I've been thinking about the ability to embrace something. There should always be something that you embrace; whether it be physical or mental. Embracing can be thought of in many ways. One way is the physical act of person to person contact; mainly a hug. But the main way that I see embracing is forming a love for something(s). I find that embracing is a way to find the good in something that is otherwise seen as bad. Example: Cooler weather; most people get frustrated or disappointed because they don't want winter to come. They would rather it stay summer all year round. These people should either move to a warmer climate or learn to embrace the better things/events of the season. This year I have decided to embrace "the hat". I have never been one to wear hats during the winter unless I was actually doing stuff outside but this year hats will be worn. I have already begun my collection of winter head wear. So far it is mostly little head hugging tuques but more styles of head wear will certainly come into play. Last year the temperatures were freaking freezing but instead of hiding inside away from the cold I whipped out my grandmother's mink coat! This year I encourage you to embrace winter. Take time to smell the snow and do outdoor activities. Bonfires aren't just for summer you know! Take out the ice skates, sleds, and snow pants. Make this your year to embrace winter! I know I will!
We've embraced winter, snow, hats and colder weather now to embrace creativity. When one thinks creativity you mainly go straight to art but creativity comes in many forms and is something I love to embrace! Whether it's creating art, baked goods, food, or even this blog creating is a good thing. It gives you a way to express yourself, let loose or even just relax. For Christmas this year many people will be getting gifts that I create. I will be making everything from scarves and dishcloths to paintings to baked goods. The receivers of these gifts will get to experience the joy that I have had making their gifts. It's in us all to create. No one can say they are not creative. Everyone can create something; after all we were created in God's image and He's the creator of all things.
Embrace holidays. Holidays are a time to be with family and treasure your time together. There are some people out there that try to make sure that they work on holidays so they get a better paycheck or so that they can actually avoid their family. I can see that the extra money is nice but why waste an opportunity to be with family when all you're doing is severing the relationships you have with these people? So don't pick up that extra shift if you don't have to, spend time with the people you were born to. And if you really don't want to embrace your family at least embrace the food they're serving you! If you somehow can resist holiday food there MUST be something wrong with you.
Embrace LIFE! No one should ever want to end their life. Life is one of the most precious gifts that has ever been given to us and we should truly embrace it. In this life we have been given the opportunity to embrace the world around us and there really is so much that we can embrace; so go out and do it. Embrace life, embrace the world!
At this point in my life I am taking time to embrace the world around me. Why see the negative when you can just as easily pull the positive out? I'm not saying that you're not allowed to have a bad day here and there but don't waste your life surrounded by bad days. If that bad day sneaks in cry if you must, throw back some chocolate or a wobbly pop and just push that bad day out the door so that tomorrow will be better. We all need to learn to take criticism with a grain of salt, even me. Find something you love and embrace it! It doesn't matter whether you embrace one thing or one million things; just EMBRACE!!
Now that you have read this get out there and embrace life!