Paper Thin

I've been in this place before...I still cannot find a job out there for me. Still at BOMImed and let's face it, it has cut me off at the knees...not literally of course. I am still "sticking it out" unfortunately and I really don't know how much longer I will be able to do so. This job has taken me to an ugly place. I don't want to wake up in the morning, my emotions have no control over themselves and really I'm purely miserable! I have been stretched paper thin and feel like I will tear any day now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few months and it is creating havoc in my life. Last week I was pulled into my supervisors office; the door was closed for this conversation...never a good sign. It turns out that someone who I work with is a total rat and told one of the bosses that I am always on Facebook during work hours and I have been "venting" about my job on my page. First off..there was no venting on my Facebook. There was one little comment that was a reply to someones comment that eluded to the fact that I am not happy and debating whether or not to leave. But of course all of this was blown out of proportion which resulted in the little sit down. All who know me know that I crumble at the slight sight of confrontation. So yes, I broke down in her office and told her that I am looking for new employment because this is not the place for me. Twenty minutes of crying in her office later, she says she'll keep it on the down-low that I want to leave. The next day comes and she pulls me aside again to tell me to make sure I do not mention to anyone that I am planning on leaving because if the "Big Boss" finds out that I am looking for a new job she'll be in shit and I will be fired...promising eh? Prior to these happenings I have also been pulled aside to tell me not to talk to the receptionist and I have also found out that other people have been told not to talk to me. What a warm atmosphere? From the stress of my not liking my job and not being able to find a new one I have changed into a different person. If I don't hear someone correctly there is the possibility that I will break out in tears, I am tired all the time which sometimes results in me falling asleep on the couch before 9pm, and I truly have no ambition to do anything. I am stress eating and not treating people the way that they should be treated. I've become distant and it's not just hurting me, it's hurting everyone around me. I need to get out of this job before it eats me whole. The first day back after New Year's I will most likely be handing in my resignation, even if it means being unemployed for a short time. If it does come down to being unemployed I have decided that while job searching I will fill my time with volunteer work. I want to "adopt-a-grandparent" so to speak. It's been over a year since I lost my grandparents and I truly miss their companionship. I know that there are many elderly people living in seniors homes or hospitals that never have anyone come visit them and I want to be able to bring joy to someone. It would be wonderful to go visit them, read to them and play games with them...plus it gives me an excuse to whip out my dominoes set!! Even though volunteer work would be a nice change of pace I still need to keep my job search face on. It's going to be weird and scary to leave a job without another one lined up but I need to do this for myself. I cannot stay at a job where my mental health is deteriorating by the minute. I need to buck up and start looking forward to things again. This week has 3 work days left, next week only has 3 and the week after only has 2.5 days. Christmas is only 9 days away. My 4 year anniversary with Adam is only 31 days away and my birthday is only 45 days away. So there are things to look forward to. I need to relish in those things because otherwise I will just keep plummeting with no escape. Ah yes, work you either live or die with or without it.