Jealousy is a truly useless feeling but I seem to experience it fairly frequently. I know I shouldn't yearn for what I don't have but sometimes I just can't help it. My main jealousy that I have been experiencing is coming from wedding related events. My friend Candace recently got engaged. I am so happy for her because her and Curtis have been together longer than Adam and I. She had such an extravagant engagement. Curtis sent her on a scavenger throughout the city and the clue eventually led to him, in a suit, in the Leo Mol Sculpture garden; which let's face it, it's one of the most romantic spots in Winnipeg. I'm not saying that I wish my engagement was full of extravagance and glitter but I really do wish that Adam would have at least ask the question instead of just assuming that I would say yes. Candace isn't getting married until 2013 but she has started planning sort of. When I was at her place yesterday we were talking about our weddings. She knows what she wants and I have no doubt that she'll get what she wants. She was also telling me about Laura's(Curtis's sister) wedding. By the sounds of things Laura's wedding sounded absolutely gorgeous and from what Candace has said so will hers. I know my wedding will be nice but after talking to her I worry that because I have spent so much time focusing on saving money that we're going to lose the beauty. I know that my wedding won't be my dream wedding because if I had my dream wedding we would probably be in debt for the rest of our lives but what I have planned really is what I want. It may not be my dream but it's number 2 on the list. I guess this is just one of the things that happens when you are planning a wedding and so are others around you. Maybe that's why Kaitlyn and I came to blows(but that event was bound to happen sooner or later, wedding or not). Maybe what I'm experiencing isn't jealousy but "I wish" syndrome, which pretty much is a disguising way to say jealousy. I wish I could do everything I've always wanted but truth be told I don't want to start our marriage in debt. The way things are going right now we are going to be more out of debt by the time we get married because in May Adam's car payments will be done and 2 weeks after the wedding my car payments will be done. If we can get Adam's credit card and loan paid off then the only debt we'll have is the house but that's not really debt it's just a mortgage and pretty much everyone has one of those unless you're a)rich, b)old and have been living in your house since you were the only one on the block or c) you live in an apartment.
The other thing that is getting to me is a slight pang of regret. I wish that when we got engaged I would have put more thoughts into who I chose as member of the bridal party. I came to the realization that you don't choose a maid of honor that is planning a wedding too...nothing good can come of that and as we've seen that's exactly what happened. On the bright side, I did end up with a much, much, much better maid of honor in my cousin Lisa. As for my other bridesmaids, I sometimes wish I would have chosen friends over Adam's sisters. With Amanda living in BC, she doesn't get to take part in the preparations and we lose a helping hand in getting ready for wedding related events ie) social, shower, bachlorette, etc. Hopefully we'll be able to get her out here for the shower at least. Sarah on the other hand lives here but she is 17 turning 18 and let's face it, she is going through a teenage, beginning university and is not any help. I love them both but I wish both of them could/would participate in the planning/prep. I just hope everything turns out the way I have planned it.
The other slight pang of jealousy that I have experienced comes from the fact that Curtis wants to take part in the planning of their wedding while Adam I practically have to pull teeth to get an opinion. He says that I don't want his opinion and that is why he doesn't give me one. But still he is the groom and this is his wedding too so he should be giving his insight.
Everything will turn out and I know it but as for right now I just need to take a step back, breathe and realize that my wedding may not be extravagant but it will be perfect in its own way. I wish there was a cootie shot for jealousy...
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